Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Out with the old....in with the new

***TMI WARNING***

A New Year, a new uterine lining. Yes the party is finally started in my lady bits, and I'm oddly relieved.

I've been waiting over a week since stopping meds for the show to start without so much as a twinge. I felt morning sick. I got comments from unknowing people about how cute my pregger bump was. And I still felt guilty drinking a cup of coffee. So I decided to schedule an appointment with my general practitioner just to see if we could do a quick ultrasound and see if anything was happening at all.

The only appointment they had was for New Year's Eve, and since I didn't have so much as a twinge I figured why not. But the day before my appointment I felt really queasy all day. I've had HORRID allergies with all the cedar pollen, so I just figured my snotty drainage was doing a number on my tummy. So I chilled out all day with the kiddos and took it easy. Then that night, just before bed I went to the bathroom and saw the tiniest little spec of blood. I might have thought it was a red fuzzball if I hadn't been expecting what was to come.

I figured I'd still keep my appointment just in case. But as I sat in the doctor's office the next morning waiting to see the PA I felt some very familiar waves of pressure in my back and abdomen. They came consistently every 5 minutes, and by the time the PA came in I knew what had started. She said we could schedule an ultrasound to check for a heartbeat, but I knew there would be none.

I did a good deal of grieving at that first unfortunate ultrasound several weeks ago. I started my acceptance that day, so at this point I am just relieved that my body finally got the memo. My uterus is a known hoarder, and I was terrified I'd end up with a D&C. The old girl didn't quite get the memo with my own miscarriage, so almost 4 weeks after my own babies stopped growing I opted for a D&C on April Fool's Day.

My uterus is quite festive like that. D&C on April Fool's Day. Went into labor with Sunshine on Father's Day. Conceived Sweet Pea on Father's Day. Gave birth to Sweet Pea on her daddy's birthday. Now a miscarriage on New Year's Eve. Ain't no party like my uterine party!

I'm not sure how long I should expect this to go on. I haven't been in any crazy amount of pain. It's uncomfortable, and lots of gushes of....loveliness. But I don't think I've started the actual expulsion part because I heard those cramps are legit. And these are bush league. Although since it's been roughly 4 weeks since the little one called Game Over I'm not really sure what to expect. I intended to try and collect...something...so we could get it tested to see what went wrong. But so far I haven't passed anything that could remotely be considered...ya know.

Anyway, again I'm so sad and frustrated that things have taken this turn. But I'm all the more ready for our next attempt. And again I have the most incredible support system. The outpouring of love and support I've received has been incredibly moving. I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life who are there for me at a moment's notice, whether it's bringing me a basket full of pampering, sending me text just to check in, or just letting me vent and say completely inappropriate things.

I know this little one will not be forgotten. He (yep I found out little embie was a he) burrowed his way into my uterus and his mama's heart. He made her a mother, and just like my own angel babies the love they brought for that short little while will remain long after the intense hurt of losing them eases. And it will ease. It never ever disappears, and it shouldn't. But it does ease.

It'll be several months before we're ready to transfer again, but that gives everyone time to heal. Me physically and them emotionally. And as much as this part freaking sucks, it's just the next step in our journey. And I'm oddly thankful for it.

So as my uterine lining would say: Out with the old and in with the new! Happy New Year everyone. Time for a fresh lining and a fresh start!