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Heart Beats

A lot has been going on in the Surro World. If you remember I was supposed to originally transfer in October, but my cycle was less than prompt. So we rescheduled for November.

In October we had a lot of girls in our surro group who transferred, and only one or two got a positive beta. November however seemed to be going much better. Out of our November transfer group there was only one girl that I knew of who didn't get a positive beta. I'm still holding out hope for her. She's had such a rough time, and I know her day is coming.

So I knew of 5 of us in the November transfer group with positive betas. My transfer twin had ridiculous beta numbers so we were all thinking she was probably carrying twins or a toddler. Mine were respectable, but not super high. I was feeling cautiously optimistic just as our clinic instructed.

Then last week things started to take a turn. One of our transfer buds (who had almost identical first and second betas as me) got a less than super 4th beta. The clinic I'm using only did 2 betas, and then the ultrasound. But her clinic had her doing at least 4. Her 4th one didn't double, so they scheduled her ultrasound to see what's up. She waited almost an entire agonizing week, then Sunday she went in for her beta and although there was a sac and a fetal pole, they couldn't find a heartbeat. I mourned for her because I've been there. My heart just broke.

She had to make the choice to schedule a D&C or wait to miscarry naturally. She was 7 weeks along, but just a few days after she got the news mother nature made the decision for her. She began to miscarry at work, and again, my heart just broke.

The next day another one of our transfer pals said her ultrasound showed the same. No heartbeat. She miscarried as well. Then the next day...another. At 11 weeks this girl went in to find that there was no heartbeat. My heart was not only breaking for them and their IPs, but I was starting to get a little nervous.

The first surro who miscarried asked if I'd done a weeks estimator pregnancy test, and I said I hadn't. But being the pee addict I am, I went and bought a two pack. I took one in the Target bathroom, and it estimated 2-3 weeks past ovulation. I did the math and that added up okay. I really wanted to see that 3+, but 2-3 was okay. I'd wait until I was actually 6 weeks according to my calculations and take another. At that point it should give me that reassuring 3+.

Meanwhile I was feeling slightly a little queasy in the mornings if I didn't eat. But nothing major. My boobs seemed a little bigger, and I was pretty tired. Very very mild symptoms, but symptoms nonetheless.

Then one night I was getting ready for bed and I felt a SHARP stabbing pain in my abdomen. It only lasted a minute, but it was intense and it scared me. I decided to take it extra easy the next day, and I emailed my clinic right away. I asked for an extra beta or something that might let me know what's going on. I knew our ultrasound was Monday, but Hubs was leaving town and I wanted to be prepared in case bad news was imminent.

The next day I heard nothing from the clinic, but the cramping didn't reappear. There wasn't any blood so I vowed not to worry. That night my transfer twin told me she started bleeding. I reassured her that almost every surro in our group has reported a 6 week bleed with their very healthy pregnancies. So if anything her 6 week bleed should be reassuring! She was on strict bed rest just in case. I took the other weeks estimator, and it still said 2-3 weeks. I really thought I'd get that 3+ by now. Those things measure Hcg, so naturally I wondered if mine just wasn't doubling. I knew I shouldn't worry, but there was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. Coupled with the absence of any symptoms....

I also developed some kind of crazy reaction to my shots just after I refilled my prescription with 6 new bottles of PIO. I was still waiting to hear back from the clinic when I realized that my pregnancy symptoms had pretty much gone away. I was starting to get a little more worried, but I just distracted myself. Worrying certainly wouldn't help anything, and my ultrasound was just a few days away. That would be more telling than some passing morning sickness.

I decided not to tell Baby Mama and worry her. The cramps didn't have any blood, and there wasn't anything medically going on that I could pinpoint. It was best to just wait for the ultrasound. If we were going to get bad news I'd rather it come from the doctor. Not from an overly paranoid surrogate.

I finally heard back from the clinic and she told me to try not to worry. An extra beta wouldn't be super accurate at this point, so waiting for the ultrasound was our best bet. She offered me a new option for my progesterone, but I told her I'd try a few tricks to try and work it out with the injections since I have 6 bottles of PIO. I think I'd been warming the oil in the heating pad for too long. I stopped warming it and the pain was much better.

Finally Monday morning came, and I met Baby Mama and Baby Daddy at the clinic. They had to leave at 5 a.m. to make it for our appointment since our monitoring clinic only does ultrasounds in the morning. So I'm sure they were wrecked. But they looked adorable as always and we chit chatted in the waiting room until they called us back.

Once in the room I got my Sweet Pea settled in a chair and everyone else left while I dropped trou. Once they came in I think I held my breath until the ultrasound screen started to swirl. The doctor explained that at this stage it isn't uncommon not to see much. We might not see a heartbeat today and that was ok. I squinted and again realized I wasn't breathing. I exhaled and there came a little clear spot that she told us was the yolk sac. I didn't see anything in side though, and my own heart skipped a beat. She adjusted the wand a bit and a little flicker briefly made an appearance. I don't know if I shrieked out loud or just in my head. But she went back and there it was. The sweetest little jelly bean flickering with the tiniest little heartbeat.

I remember the moment I heard and saw my own kids' heartbeats. And this was no less magical. It was different though, because my happiness wasn't for myself. I was just overjoyed for Baby Mama and Baby Daddy. The little bean was too soft-spoken for us to hear, but we could definitely see that little flickering heart clear as day. I finally breathed a big sigh of relief. I know we're not out of the woods, but seeing that heartbeat sure does feel good.

I held it together until I got to the car and opened up the tiny box Baby Mama gave me. It had a beautiful pair of blue earrings that made Sweet Pea squeal. I was just so relieved and excited and grateful for them that I let the tears flow. Apparently Baby Daddy and I had that in common. Baby Mama was too happy to shed a tear. Glad one of us kept it together!

So now I think we'll be released to an OB. I'm shopping around because I want to deliver at a hospital that will be the best happiest setting for them to meet their baby. I'll wait to hear from our clinic in Cali as to our next step, but for now I'm quite happy with the little bean's progress.

My heart is so full.

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