Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Ground Zero

The results are in, and I hope this is the last time during this journey I report this. But my levels are finally back down to zero! Hooray!

Typically an hcg level of zero is bad news in the pregnancy world. But for us it means that my body is back to normal after the loss, and we can start ramping up to try again. It's ground zero for our next attempt, and I am feeling hopeful and excited.

Also with complete perfect timing, Baby Mama and Baby Daddy found an egg donor!! I'm soooooooooooo beyond excited. Baby Mama really seems happy with their choice, so I couldn't be happier for them. This little baby is a puzzle, and the donor was the missing piece.

They're still dotting their "I"s and crossing their "t"s with the donor. But I think things are right on track. I'll need to have at least one normal cycle before we start meds for our next transfer. And since their eggs are frozen, they still have to thaw and fertilize them. Then they'll probably do PGD testing again and freeze them while we wait for the results. So lots of waiting and coordinating in our future.

I'd imagine my cycle will be starting soon since I've been super irritable and got a raging migraine last night. I've gotten a migraine about once a month since I weaned Sweet Pea. I think my hormone levels just went bananas after we quit nursing. I'll probably ask the doc to check all that stuff or give me some tips for warding them off. I found that if I drink a cup of coffee in the morning I don't get a migraine. But I realized last night that my morning Kcup was a DECAF!! Duhn duhn duhnnnnnnn...

Very exciting stuff in the next stage of our journey. I'm very hopeful for our next attempt, and in the meantime I want to celebrate this step. I swore I'd celebrate each one, and even though we've had a huge setback in our journey, it's time to start celebrating again.

So let's celebrate my body getting back to normal and my IPs finding their missing puzzle piece. Hooray for progress!

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Leveling Off

Recovery has gone surprisingly well since the D&C. The bleeding stopped after two days, so I really thought I got off easy. But it picked back up almost a week later. It's just been very light off and on, so I still think I got off pretty darn easy.
In the mean time I've been trying to stay busy so I didn't get all antsy to get going again. And it hasn't been hard since my girls are in the thick of school and activities.
If I may take a moment to brag, I'd like to just announce that my little Sunshine got a citizenship award at school for this 9 weeks. They have 6 pillars of citizenship, and she was awarded Most Caring. 

Of all the pillars that is by far the one I'm most proud of, so I'm very excited she won. The others are things like Respect and Trustworthiness, which are great characteristics too. But if I can raise my daughter to just care about others I think everything else will fall into place. A person who cares about their fellow man is sure to make a difference in the world.
So with all the fun stuff going on, my follow-up appointment kind of snuck up on me. I went in yesterday and they took my blood to make sure my hcg levels are dropping. And thankfully they are. They're at a 10 right now, and they need them to be less than 5 in order to know that nothing got left behind in the D&C. Since I've had such an easy breezy recovery I sort of assumed that my numbers were going down. And from what I understand it typically takes about a month for the levels to totally go back down. Especially since my levels were probably pretty high. My body loves it some hcg.
The other news I was waiting on were the results from the tissue sample. Baby Mama said they did get the results but basically it tested normal. None of us knows what that means. She felt like that didn't give us any information at all, but she said the doc said it actually gave them a lot of information. Still...that information is a mystery because we don't know what caused little Embie to stop growing. I guess we never will. That's freaking hard. It's unfair and it's frustrating and crappy. But it is what it is.
So now the big question is "What's Next?"
I knew Baby Mama at one point said they would consider another retrieval from her egg carton if this embryo took. And well while it took, it didn't stick around. So she and Baby Daddy had a big call to make. Do they try again to go through the rigorous task of egg retrieval? Last time they did three retrievals and only got one little embie who made it to transfer.
Or do they search for a donor?
I think they both thought the other wanted to try another retrieval, while they actually wanted to move on to a donor. They both have the same end game. They want a baby. They want a family. And right now it looks like their best shot is going to be with a donor.
So now they have the daunting task of finding a donor for their next attempt. They'd like to find one who shares physical characteristics with Baby Mama as well as have some college under her belt. They need a little brainy baby since Baby Mama is insanely brilliant.
The funny thing is I think Baby Mama is a little more flexible on the physical characteristics since she knows genetics are a crap shoot anyway. Take it from me. Hubs and I are both about average height (ok I'm a bit shorter). And we have one teeny munchkin child and one giant amazon. We were both white blonde children and one of our babies is dark sandy blonde and the other is pretty much a brunette.
But Baby Daddy thinks Baby Mama is the most beautiful creature to grace the planet (and he's not far off), so he keeps looking for her twin. I think it's just such a testament to his love for her that his expectations are high. His Baby Mama is the epitome of womanhood. These donors have a high bar to reach.
I think no matter who they find to donate the other half of the genes for their baby, they will end up with a perfectly lovely child. So much of who a child becomes is a product of the love and devotion of his or her parents. Sure genes might determine if they have blue eyes or if they're short or tall. But those two are going to have gone to the moon and back to get that baby here. That kind of love can only produce something wonderful. And when that baby gazes into its mama's beautiful eyes their souls will bond. If blood is thicker than water, love is the stoutest of all. 
So for now we wait for my hcg to disappear while they look for the missing piece to their puzzle. I hope the absolute perfect donor comes along and they just know. I think that's how it will happen. They'll find a profile and go "YES! That's the one!"
The donor is just another person joining us on this journey. Some people conceive a child and only two people are a part of that story. But this baby will have so many lovely people on their journey to being. They have Baby Mama, Baby Daddy, Doc, Me, Hubs, my girls and the Donor. And of course all of you. The outpouring of love from this blog is so fantastic. I'm so glad we can all be on this journey together. It's nice to have a nice little community of people to be there to celebrate the victories and comfort each other through the losses. How lucky is that child that so many people are working together to bring them into this world?
Maybe one day Little One will find this blog and see the story of his or her beginning and think "Wow. Look at all the love that went into getting little ol' me earthside."
All the ups and downs are just part of the story. And what an amazing story to have.