Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Out with the old....in with the new

***TMI WARNING***

A New Year, a new uterine lining. Yes the party is finally started in my lady bits, and I'm oddly relieved.

I've been waiting over a week since stopping meds for the show to start without so much as a twinge. I felt morning sick. I got comments from unknowing people about how cute my pregger bump was. And I still felt guilty drinking a cup of coffee. So I decided to schedule an appointment with my general practitioner just to see if we could do a quick ultrasound and see if anything was happening at all.

The only appointment they had was for New Year's Eve, and since I didn't have so much as a twinge I figured why not. But the day before my appointment I felt really queasy all day. I've had HORRID allergies with all the cedar pollen, so I just figured my snotty drainage was doing a number on my tummy. So I chilled out all day with the kiddos and took it easy. Then that night, just before bed I went to the bathroom and saw the tiniest little spec of blood. I might have thought it was a red fuzzball if I hadn't been expecting what was to come.

I figured I'd still keep my appointment just in case. But as I sat in the doctor's office the next morning waiting to see the PA I felt some very familiar waves of pressure in my back and abdomen. They came consistently every 5 minutes, and by the time the PA came in I knew what had started. She said we could schedule an ultrasound to check for a heartbeat, but I knew there would be none.

I did a good deal of grieving at that first unfortunate ultrasound several weeks ago. I started my acceptance that day, so at this point I am just relieved that my body finally got the memo. My uterus is a known hoarder, and I was terrified I'd end up with a D&C. The old girl didn't quite get the memo with my own miscarriage, so almost 4 weeks after my own babies stopped growing I opted for a D&C on April Fool's Day.

My uterus is quite festive like that. D&C on April Fool's Day. Went into labor with Sunshine on Father's Day. Conceived Sweet Pea on Father's Day. Gave birth to Sweet Pea on her daddy's birthday. Now a miscarriage on New Year's Eve. Ain't no party like my uterine party!

I'm not sure how long I should expect this to go on. I haven't been in any crazy amount of pain. It's uncomfortable, and lots of gushes of....loveliness. But I don't think I've started the actual expulsion part because I heard those cramps are legit. And these are bush league. Although since it's been roughly 4 weeks since the little one called Game Over I'm not really sure what to expect. I intended to try and collect...something...so we could get it tested to see what went wrong. But so far I haven't passed anything that could remotely be considered...ya know.

Anyway, again I'm so sad and frustrated that things have taken this turn. But I'm all the more ready for our next attempt. And again I have the most incredible support system. The outpouring of love and support I've received has been incredibly moving. I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life who are there for me at a moment's notice, whether it's bringing me a basket full of pampering, sending me text just to check in, or just letting me vent and say completely inappropriate things.

I know this little one will not be forgotten. He (yep I found out little embie was a he) burrowed his way into my uterus and his mama's heart. He made her a mother, and just like my own angel babies the love they brought for that short little while will remain long after the intense hurt of losing them eases. And it will ease. It never ever disappears, and it shouldn't. But it does ease.

It'll be several months before we're ready to transfer again, but that gives everyone time to heal. Me physically and them emotionally. And as much as this part freaking sucks, it's just the next step in our journey. And I'm oddly thankful for it.

So as my uterine lining would say: Out with the old and in with the new! Happy New Year everyone. Time for a fresh lining and a fresh start!

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Little Sprouts

It's been a day and a half since I took my last dose of meds, and all I hear is crickets from my uterus. It's a well known fact that she really likes to hold on to pregnancies regardless of what the fetus decides. But I hope she gets the damn memo soon. 

Game Over uterus. Reset. 

In the mean time I've been plenty busy with Christmas just days away. I called my mom last night in tears because I was overwhelmed. Not just with the baby stuff but with everything. We just got back in town, but when we left things were so hectic with strep throat, class parties, dance recitals, shopping, gift wrapping, packing and breathing treatments that my house was in shambles. 

I'm no Susie Homemaker, and mess typically doesn't bother me. But I wanted it cleanish for Santa and it looked like we'd been robbed. 

On top of that I only had two days until Christmas to whip things into shape, and all the while I was anxiously awaiting a pregnancy loss with no idea what to expect. 

Mom talked me down like she always does. She first assured me that the miscarriage was nothing I couldn't handle. No need to fear it. She's been there twice, and it's like a heavy period. Hers were with her own babies so of course the emotional healing was tougher. But this was nothing I couldn't handle. 

The next morning she showed up with a beautiful basket stuffed with everything I needed. New slippers, cozy pjs, sweet pea body wash, a magazine, chicken soup and some giant industrial pads. The miscarriage care package and it was just what the doctor ordered. 

She then enlisted the girls' help with the living room and we got busy cleaning and unpacking. 

I popped some cinnamon rolls in the oven and we were rolling. In no time my living area and kitchen were back in order and I could breathe again. 

She headed home to get ready for my brother's arrival, so I decided it was time to clue the girls in on the baby situation. 

Sunshine was being a goofball on her new bean bag, so I simply said "hey Sweets I have some sad news."

She sat up and asked if Uncle T wasn't going to come after all. I assured her he was on his way but this was about the baby. 

Sweet Pea patted my tummy "you mean dis baby?"

I asked if they remembered planting their tomatoes and they did. We talked about how some seeds sprouted and some didn't. Then some that sprouted kept growing and some didn't. 

I explained that while the baby sprouted from the egg, it just stopped growing. She sat for a minute without a word, so I asked if she had any questions. 

She asked if the baby would just stay in there. I said no that it'll come out. But its parents wouldn't be able to take it home because it was too tiny when it stopped growing. 

She asked if that meant we would just keep it and I said no. That it's going to be so small we can't even see it. 

She looked sad and said "dang Mom. I really wanted them to get that baby. Miss (baby mama) must be so sad." 

I told her we were all sad and she asked why it stopped growing. I didn't know what to say so I just told her "I don't know Babe. Sometimes that happens and we really don't know why. It's like a puzzle and every piece has to fit just right for it to make a baby."

I'd never told her about my twin pregnancy that happened before she was born. But as I sat there with my sweet girl asking very grown up questions I realized I needed to. Those were her siblings, and their lives mattered. No need to get too deep, but just acknowledge them and what they meant to our family. There's nothing to feel shameful about. They were people. After all I talk about my dad all the time with her, and he passed away 15 years before she was born. 

So I gently told her that once before she was born I had two babies in my tummy. They belonged to Daddy and me, and we were so excited. But one day they stopped growing, just like this baby. So I didn't get to take them home. But the next time I got a baby in my tummy it was strong. It grew and grew and I got to take that one home. I asked if she knew what I named that baby and she proudly said it was her. 

Sweet Pea rested her head in my lap and Sunshine patted my belly. "I guess this baby just wasn't ready Mom. But the twins will be his friend."

"And you can try again right? To grow a baby that they can take home?"

That's my girl. Yep. We will get back up on that horse when the time is right. 

It's so hard to understand why we suffer  heartaches like this. It's gutwrenching and downright unfair. I searched for answers for a long time after my own loss. And 6 years later I found my why. I only hope that 6 years from now Baby Mama will have her own Sweet Pea resting sweetly in her lap. 

Those sturdy sprouts help to heal these wounds that the little seeds left behind. My little sprouts sure did heal my own heart today. For that I'm so thankful. 

Monday, December 22, 2014

Time to stop

Tonight is the night. For the first time in many weeks I won't be prepping my needle or lining up my pills. 

We are back from our trip, and on the drive I decided that tonight it's time to stop meds. My pregnancy symptoms have pretty much all subsided except for the occasional dizziness. I saw the evidence on Friday, but I still thought what if? 

Then over the weekend I realized I wasn't sick anymore and I felt pretty normal. Pretty not pregnant. Pretty sad. 

I'm a little scared for tomorrow. I'm hoping the worst passes quickly and that I'll be through the hardest part by Christmas Eve. The clinic said it's hard to say when the bleeding will start because the PIO shots stay in your system for weeks. Ideally nothing would happen until next week after the holidays. But that would mean spending the holidays worrying that every twinge was the start of something. 

So I just hope it starts tomorrow and goes quickly. I don't know what to expect because with my miscarriage I never had a single twinge. I felt very pregnant and morning sick as they wheeled me back for my D&C. This time I'm trying au naturale. 

Silly Baby Mama apologized to me for the timing of all this. I almost bopped her head. No matter what brief pain I experience, it is nothing compared to the loss of a child. 

Anyone who has miscarried their own baby can probably attest that the physical pain didn't hold a candle to the ache of a mother's broken heart. 

So damnit damnit. Again I just hate this part. But it's just an ugly chapter in the story that will make the happy ending that much sweeter. 


Friday, December 19, 2014

Confirmation

Went back in today for the ultrasound this morning and we got the news we were dreading. Little one was the exact same size as the first day we saw it. And it was quiet. 

My poor Baby Mama and Baby Daddy were heartbroken. She'd told me they were prepared, but I don't think there is such a thing. 

I talked to the doc after they left about what to expect. It doesn't sound pretty, but she agrees that I'll be fine to wait until I get back from my trip next week to stop meds. The risks with miscarriage are greater than the slight risk of infection the transfer clinic alleged. 

She also asked if I wanted a collection kit for when I pass the baby. They can do testing to figure out what went wrong. I told them to give it to me, and I walked out of the office holding a sad little box. 

The IPs were torn about testing but they were dealing with a lot. So I'm going to do my best to collect what I can. If they want the answers at least I can give them the chance. I was never given the choice. My doctor destroyed all evidence including ultrasounds that my babies ever existed. I want them to at least have the choice. 

So now more waiting. Once I stop meds it will probably be a few days before I start to lose anything. Then after that we have to monitor my hcg levels to make sure they're going down. As long as they're steadily declining everything's fine. If they stall or I lose too much blood I could end up with a d&c. Been there don't that. Don't care to get the tshirt. 

After my levels go down, which could take several weeks to more than a month, I'll need to have a normal cycle. So it'll be a while before we transfer again. At least 3 months. 

As far as next steps I'm not really sure. I want Baby Mama and Baby Daddy to take time to grieve and heal. This was their child. This baby already had hopes and dreams invested in it, and it's appropriate for them to acknowledge their sadness over their loss. 

So while they decide what to do I'll just be there for support. I've never been in their exact shoes, but I have lost a baby. So I can at least be a shoulder. 

They could potentially do another retrieval on Baby Mama, but I'm not sure if they will. They've been searching for an egg donor, but so far no luck. I can't imagine how hard that decision would be. 

But whatever they decide I will be there for them. Because no matter how it happens, they will hold a baby in their arms. And Baby Mama will be its mother, and Baby Daddy will be its father. 

If this loss has taught me anything its that my love for my kids didn't come from a physical bond. I'm carrying this baby just like I carried my own. But I have no personal hopes and dreams pinned on him or her. I didn't dream about his nursery or think about naming her after my mom. I only hoped he or she would go home with those two sweet people in tears today. 

So I'm sad. I'm beyond sad. I'm devastated for my IPs. But it's not the same as when I lost mine. My own hopes of motherhood weren't resting on this. Hers were. 

So for now I will look hopefully forward to our next steps. When they are ready we will get back in the saddle.

Like I told Baby Mama today, they will have a baby. I didn't get to keep the first two that I loved. But I got to keep the next two. And not that it makes it easier. Not that I am glad I lost them. But had they stayed I would never have my Sunshine and Sweet Pea. After all I got pregnant with Sunshine on my due date with my twins. 

Her keeper will come. And when it does they better give us a pretty big birthing suite. Because there's not a room big enough to contain the love that will wash over that child the first time his mother and father hold him in their arms. 

It will happen.  This is just part of our journey. A really horrible, awful, unfair, bull shit part. But it's a part that only strengthens their love and appreciation for the baby they will one day take home and call their very own. 

They were inducted into an awful club today. A club no one wants to be in, but one that new members appreciate if for no other reason than someone understands. I've already leaned on my fellow sisters. Those who know the pain of loving a child you'll never hold. And I'm thankful for them. Bitterly thankful that we have others to help us weather this storm. 

But their rainbow is coming. 

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

B.S.

I've contemplated this post, and at first I didn't think I'd write it. But so many people have been asking how the repeat ultrasound went, and you've all been sending well wishes and prayers and happy thoughts. So I decided to just write it to fill you in.

Yesterday I relived one of the most difficult moments of my life. I laid on a table waiting for the grainy black and white screen to show me a reassuring flicker. The screen swirled and I immediately saw the sac with the baby. Whew. I also saw the yolk sac, which I wasn't able to see last week, so I took that as a sign. Then I saw a blink, and then like a jackass I said "Whew! There's the heartbeat!"

But as the doctor zoomed in to get an audio I just heard static. She fiddled with the wand and the machine a bit, zoomed in more and still just the vacant steady whooshing of static. She recorded some kind of pulse, but said it was slower than she'd expect at this stage. I think I saw 114 bpm but I can't be sure. She said it was most likely blood flow from my own body.

My heart sank and the pit in my stomach opened up to swallow it. I've been there before with my own, and here I was lying there with Baby Mama and Baby Daddy silently standing behind me. I don't know exactly what they were feeling, but I have a pretty good idea.

The doctor started to measure and I noticed that all the measurements read 6weeks0days. There was no change from last week. No good heartbeat. No growth. The doctor offered her condolences. It looks like an early loss.

I tried to keep it together until Baby Mama and Baby Daddy left the room, but the second they were out I broke down into tears. The doctor told me there was nothing I could have done. And I know that. But it doesn't make me less sad for those two people out there letting it sink in that most likely they just saw their baby for the last time.

She said she'd send her report to California, so we'd have to wait for instructions from them. The doc said she personally would do another ultrasound in a few days or a week just to really be sure it's a loss. So I got myself together and headed out of the office into the hall.

Baby Mama hugged me and I just broke down again telling her I was so sorry. She told me it would be okay and not to worry. This woman. The mother of this baby was keeping it together for me. I felt awful that I wasn't stronger for them because I'm sure they were on the verge. I'll just blame hormones, but I think it's more than that. I know what that moment feels like, and maybe I relived my own moment a little bit. I just felt so angry and helpless and sad all at once. Miscarriage is just bull shit. Plain and simple.

We parted ways and I sat in the parking lot for a while breaking the news to Hubs, my mom and my sweet friend who suffered two similar losses last year. She told me to come over if I needed to. I halfway wanted to go home and just be alone, but I knew being alone with my thoughts and Google was a recipe for disaster. So I headed her way.

She knew exactly what to say because she's been there, and we hashed out all the details. Why could I see more detail this time than last? Why did I see a flicker? Did I really see a flicker of a heart or just a flicker from the grainy black and white screen? Why didn't they send me for a high level ultrasound? Did my tilted uterus have anything to do with the outcome? Maybe they couldn't measure right or see the heartbeat because it's the reverse of "normal." We compared the two ultrasounds side by side. I don't want to post here out of respect for Baby Mama and Baby Daddy, but there were certainly differences in detail.

We hashed every detail we could, and I told her honestly I almost felt at peace about it. I'd had a weird feeling all week. Maybe the seed of doubt the clinic planted when they said the baby was measuring small. Maybe intuition. I don't know. But I felt something wasn't right. I think another ultrasound is in order to confirm everything we knew, but I felt at peace with everything. It would be okay. They would get their baby, but maybe not this baby. Just like my own kids. I got my two kids, just not the first two kids I started with. It's heartbreaking and completely unfair and well...it's bullshit.

The thing my friend didn't say is "It's God's plan." or "It's for the best." or "It's nature's way of taking care of a problem." Those were the worst things people said with my miscarriage, and I'm sure people said those things to her. So while I still think miscarriage is bull shit, I'm glad I have someone in my life who has been through it and knows just what to say.

We decided to grab lunch just like we did after I took her to her doctor's appointment for her own miscarriage. We opted for enchiladas just like we did after her miscarriage. Nothing like Miscarriage Mexican Monday to make you feel better.

I headed to pick up Sunshine at school. I've decided not to tell her anything yet. I am going to tell her and basically be honest. Sometimes when babies are really tiny and just starting to grow, they just stop growing. It's like when we planted our tomato seeds. Some seeds didn't sprout. Out of the ones that sprouted some of them just stopped growing when they were only tiny. Then there was the one seed that took hold and grew into our beautiful green plant. I will tell her all this when the time comes, but for now I need to get my thoughts in order about it all.

We went home, and I collapsed into exhaustion into the recliner. I made some chocolate chip cookies and checked my messages as I ate my feelings. Nothing from the clinic yet, so I gave them a call. No answer so I left a message. My ultrasound was at 8:15, it was now 3:30. What the crap. I sent an email for good measure.

As I sat there snuggling my kids I remembered to be thankful for them. Those pregnancy hormones have really shortened my patience the last few weeks, but this was a really big smack in the face of how lucky I was to have these two little patience testers.

I got a call a little while later from the clinic saying she still didn't have results but she'd put in an email to the monitoring clinic asking for them. As I gave her a rundown of the ultrasound she said there's no point in doing another ultrasound because hearts don't just stop beating then start again. I told her the other RE recommended one, and she said they must have measured something then that they thought might be a heartbeat. While we're talking about it she said the monitoring clinic was on the other line and the RE wanted to talk to her before she sent the report. I let her go and sat tight.

When she called back she said they'd measured what they suspected was my blood flow, but wanted to do another ultrasound on Friday to be sure. She also said the yolk sac looked enlarged, which signaled a problem with development. "I don't want you to be optimistic about Friday's ultrasound. It's basically just to give closure and reassurance," she said. She told me to prepare to stop meds Friday afternoon, and to prepare to miscarry after that. Merry Frickin' Christmas.

I told her I understood and that my hopes were nowhere near high for Friday. I was making peace with this being the end. But then I did something terrible. I googled.

I'm so so so so stupid. Google access should be illegal for pregnancy. Nothing good ever comes from it. I started googling if a tilted uterus could affect an ultrasound, and the response from Dr. Google was overwhelmingly YES. There were way too many cases of no heartbeat at 7 or 8 weeks and then finding it again at 13 weeks. There were too many cases of the baby "not growing"  but then catching up again at 10 weeks.

This did two horrible things. It took away all that reassurance I felt after talking to the Cali clinic. And it also made me doubt my own decision to have a D&C when I saw that my twins were measuring 10 weeks and no heartbeat when I was 13 weeks. Again... it should be illegal. I put the last thought out of my mind because had I done things any differently I wouldn't have the two beautiful children that light up my life. But that first thought kept creeping back.

The dilemma I'm in is that come Friday if we don't get a heartbeat they want me to stop meds. That's basically saying pull the life support plug. I can still wait to miscarry naturally, but pulling those meds is not even giving the pregnancy a chance to progress.

I don't expect a miracle Friday, although I will be hoping for one with everything I have. I am realistic that this pregnancy is probably over. There are definitely signs pointing that way. But there are a few signs that are just too questionable for me to feel comfortable pulling the plug. I just wish there was a way to wait another month. If it were a "normal" non IVF pregnancy I could wait. I could just wait to miscarry naturally. But this decision has to be made Friday. Going off meds is saying we are done.

But when I step back and look at everything I realize this isn't about me. This isn't about what I should've done with my own miscarriage. This is about someone else's baby. This is about their decision of what to do. Do they want to be drug through a month of torturous uncertainty just to be disappointed in the end anyway? I realized that what I really want Friday is answers for them. If this pregnancy isn't viable I want them to feel completely confident Friday that it is over. I want all or nothing. I want to see a vibrant heartbeat or an empty sac. I want no seeds of doubt. Because those seeds will haunt them forever. I should know. I waited a week for another ultrasound and the only thing that lets me sleep at night is that I know what I saw. I saw no heartbeats and the babies had gotten smaller, indicating they were deteriorating. That's morbid and horrible, but it's the only thing that lets me feel like I did the right thing. I want that for them.

But as we all know, it's not about what we want. This whole parenting game is so not about us or our wants. And quite frankly this part of it is just bullshit.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Heart Beats

A lot has been going on in the Surro World. If you remember I was supposed to originally transfer in October, but my cycle was less than prompt. So we rescheduled for November.

In October we had a lot of girls in our surro group who transferred, and only one or two got a positive beta. November however seemed to be going much better. Out of our November transfer group there was only one girl that I knew of who didn't get a positive beta. I'm still holding out hope for her. She's had such a rough time, and I know her day is coming.

So I knew of 5 of us in the November transfer group with positive betas. My transfer twin had ridiculous beta numbers so we were all thinking she was probably carrying twins or a toddler. Mine were respectable, but not super high. I was feeling cautiously optimistic just as our clinic instructed.

Then last week things started to take a turn. One of our transfer buds (who had almost identical first and second betas as me) got a less than super 4th beta. The clinic I'm using only did 2 betas, and then the ultrasound. But her clinic had her doing at least 4. Her 4th one didn't double, so they scheduled her ultrasound to see what's up. She waited almost an entire agonizing week, then Sunday she went in for her beta and although there was a sac and a fetal pole, they couldn't find a heartbeat. I mourned for her because I've been there. My heart just broke.

She had to make the choice to schedule a D&C or wait to miscarry naturally. She was 7 weeks along, but just a few days after she got the news mother nature made the decision for her. She began to miscarry at work, and again, my heart just broke.

The next day another one of our transfer pals said her ultrasound showed the same. No heartbeat. She miscarried as well. Then the next day...another. At 11 weeks this girl went in to find that there was no heartbeat. My heart was not only breaking for them and their IPs, but I was starting to get a little nervous.

The first surro who miscarried asked if I'd done a weeks estimator pregnancy test, and I said I hadn't. But being the pee addict I am, I went and bought a two pack. I took one in the Target bathroom, and it estimated 2-3 weeks past ovulation. I did the math and that added up okay. I really wanted to see that 3+, but 2-3 was okay. I'd wait until I was actually 6 weeks according to my calculations and take another. At that point it should give me that reassuring 3+.

Meanwhile I was feeling slightly a little queasy in the mornings if I didn't eat. But nothing major. My boobs seemed a little bigger, and I was pretty tired. Very very mild symptoms, but symptoms nonetheless.

Then one night I was getting ready for bed and I felt a SHARP stabbing pain in my abdomen. It only lasted a minute, but it was intense and it scared me. I decided to take it extra easy the next day, and I emailed my clinic right away. I asked for an extra beta or something that might let me know what's going on. I knew our ultrasound was Monday, but Hubs was leaving town and I wanted to be prepared in case bad news was imminent.

The next day I heard nothing from the clinic, but the cramping didn't reappear. There wasn't any blood so I vowed not to worry. That night my transfer twin told me she started bleeding. I reassured her that almost every surro in our group has reported a 6 week bleed with their very healthy pregnancies. So if anything her 6 week bleed should be reassuring! She was on strict bed rest just in case. I took the other weeks estimator, and it still said 2-3 weeks. I really thought I'd get that 3+ by now. Those things measure Hcg, so naturally I wondered if mine just wasn't doubling. I knew I shouldn't worry, but there was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. Coupled with the absence of any symptoms....

I also developed some kind of crazy reaction to my shots just after I refilled my prescription with 6 new bottles of PIO. I was still waiting to hear back from the clinic when I realized that my pregnancy symptoms had pretty much gone away. I was starting to get a little more worried, but I just distracted myself. Worrying certainly wouldn't help anything, and my ultrasound was just a few days away. That would be more telling than some passing morning sickness.

I decided not to tell Baby Mama and worry her. The cramps didn't have any blood, and there wasn't anything medically going on that I could pinpoint. It was best to just wait for the ultrasound. If we were going to get bad news I'd rather it come from the doctor. Not from an overly paranoid surrogate.

I finally heard back from the clinic and she told me to try not to worry. An extra beta wouldn't be super accurate at this point, so waiting for the ultrasound was our best bet. She offered me a new option for my progesterone, but I told her I'd try a few tricks to try and work it out with the injections since I have 6 bottles of PIO. I think I'd been warming the oil in the heating pad for too long. I stopped warming it and the pain was much better.

Finally Monday morning came, and I met Baby Mama and Baby Daddy at the clinic. They had to leave at 5 a.m. to make it for our appointment since our monitoring clinic only does ultrasounds in the morning. So I'm sure they were wrecked. But they looked adorable as always and we chit chatted in the waiting room until they called us back.

Once in the room I got my Sweet Pea settled in a chair and everyone else left while I dropped trou. Once they came in I think I held my breath until the ultrasound screen started to swirl. The doctor explained that at this stage it isn't uncommon not to see much. We might not see a heartbeat today and that was ok. I squinted and again realized I wasn't breathing. I exhaled and there came a little clear spot that she told us was the yolk sac. I didn't see anything in side though, and my own heart skipped a beat. She adjusted the wand a bit and a little flicker briefly made an appearance. I don't know if I shrieked out loud or just in my head. But she went back and there it was. The sweetest little jelly bean flickering with the tiniest little heartbeat.

I remember the moment I heard and saw my own kids' heartbeats. And this was no less magical. It was different though, because my happiness wasn't for myself. I was just overjoyed for Baby Mama and Baby Daddy. The little bean was too soft-spoken for us to hear, but we could definitely see that little flickering heart clear as day. I finally breathed a big sigh of relief. I know we're not out of the woods, but seeing that heartbeat sure does feel good.

I held it together until I got to the car and opened up the tiny box Baby Mama gave me. It had a beautiful pair of blue earrings that made Sweet Pea squeal. I was just so relieved and excited and grateful for them that I let the tears flow. Apparently Baby Daddy and I had that in common. Baby Mama was too happy to shed a tear. Glad one of us kept it together!

So now I think we'll be released to an OB. I'm shopping around because I want to deliver at a hospital that will be the best happiest setting for them to meet their baby. I'll wait to hear from our clinic in Cali as to our next step, but for now I'm quite happy with the little bean's progress.

My heart is so full.