Friday, June 13, 2014

Test Tubes

I arose bright and early this morning and bee bopped into the kitchen. I opened the refrigerator and grabbed a glass of sweet tea a little cup of crack Trader Joe's mangos and cream yogurt. 6:30 a.m. is a strange time in my house. The air is almost thick with silence because the monkeys are still sleeping.

I savored the mangos and silence for a moment as I let my plans for the day sink in. I don't normally crack into Bush's sweet tea at 6:30 a.m., but my Friday the 13th plans called for the strong stuff.

The Hubs was meeting me at RMA (the fertility clinic) for our blood work and mock transfer this morning, so I needed some pep in my step. Normally 6:30 a.m. is a grumpy groggy time for me. But this morning I was too excited to drag.

As Sweet Pea toddled into the kitchen and rubbed her sleepy little eyes, I just thought my heart would burst. I am just so lucky to have this chubby little bunny standing before me in her too-big t-shirt and those big blue eyes. I can't wait for my IPs to have this.

Once the Sunshine rose it was go time. I had to get them in their swim suits, pack exactly 1,013 snacks and a fully charged Kindle for our morning. I also grabbed my suit, a change of clothes and my bag of meds. We had a busy day planned.

I got to the clinic just in time for our appointment. Luckily the Hubs got there early and signed us in. Have I mentioned how freaking awesome he is for going through all this with me by the way? People are super supportive and commend me for all this good stuff, but seriously he's the unsung hero. He's taking care of kids and giving blood and urine to people all over town. It's pretty romantic.

Anyway we got the kids set up with 345 of the snacks I brought while Hubs and I got our blood drawn. It was good for Sweet Pea to see us get it done with no tears because she's had her own blood draws lately that have left her with a severe case of White Coat Terrification Syndrome. After our quick vampire bites Hubs got the kids set up with the Kindle and 129 more snacks.

Snacks and Netflix are the secret to my parenting success. Go ahead. Judge. It's ok I'll wait.

Ok done judging? Great.

Then it was time to get back in the saddle.


Side note: I need a pedicure with all these feet pictures. 

The doc told me we'd be doing something called a mock transfer today. So basically this was the dress rehearsal for the ACTUAL TRANSFER!!! I was so excited. It was wicked awesome to see how it's going to be done. She just got the good ol' speculum out and put a catheter in there to see if my cervix and what not was laid out like the Labyrinth. Luckily David Bowie didn't show up, and it looks like the babe will be safe inside.


They have a monitor on the ceiling so you can look up and see all your lady parts on the big screen. She shot some saline in there to see if I had any gremlins or trolls or whatever living in my uterus collecting trinkets and wishes, but it was all clear.

Once again I was told I have a beautiful uterus and the mock transfer went swimmingly. She said it was very easy to get in and out of there, which I don't know how to take. Either she's saying I have super well-organized lady parts or it's like throwing a hotdog down a hallway. Who knows. But in either case it looks like everything is still a GO!! Wahoo!

I got back in my swim suit and rushed over to Sea World for our final swimming lessons this week. If I can just take a moment to totally brag on my kids. Sunshine conquered her fears and put her head all the way under the water, and Sweet Pea was a swimming machine today! She really gave it her all for test day. Very proud momma over here.


Their courage may have helped a little for the next part of my afternoon. Since it was 11:30 and my next procedure was at 1:30, it was cocktail hour.

As I mentioned before I had to get an HSG test done, which is to basically go in there and shoot dye into my lady straws to see if they're blocked or inflamed or tied up like balloon animals. I was a bit nervous...ok a lot nervous about this because I heard some pretty scurry stories from my fellow IVF mommas.

Since I'm allergic to shellfish and they're using iodine they wanted to be extra cautious and gave me a steroid, Benadryl, an antibiotic and some other anti-allergy med thing. Tagamet I think? Anyway I chugged them all in the middle of Aquatica with some very suspicious moms eyeing me. Don't judge ladies, I'm just doing drugs in the Sea World bathroom ok? Mind your beeswax.

I was told initially that the HSG was an extreme pelvic exam. Smear 2.0 was the name given by my good buddy I'll just refer to as Jersey. She had to undergo the same procedure while trying to conceive her twins. At the time they were dealing with a host of infertility hurdles, and she said she just cried silent tears from beginning to the end of the procedure.

So I was less than psyched to get this portion of the program going.

Jersey offered to watch the girls for me while I went to get Smear 2.0, and she talked me off the ledge by explaining that her tears probably came from a place of emotional despair rather than physical pain. Since I've already got two healthy little munchkins I think the emotional piece of the puzzle was removed.

I felt confident as I rolled up to this swanky building with super comfy couches and some really relaxing soft lighting. It was more like a hotel lobby than a waiting room.

They led me back to the room, and gave me the most beautiful gown and non-skid socks. I'm not sure if you're supposed to leave the socks, but I took those mothers home. They were wicked comfy.

Anyway, Carlos was my tech and he had the most gentle soothing voice. Even when he said cramping and bleeding I was just like yeah....yeah man that sounds nice...cool.

I got dressed and hopped up on the table, which for the record does not have stirrups? I don't know how they expect a girl to assume the position for this kind of thing without proper foot support, but whatevs. As Carlos went to get the doc I checked out the instruments of torture. A lovely bowl of iodine stew and a crazy long catheter thingy were chillin' on the little tray just waiting to get all up in it.

My nerves came back for a sec.

Then in came the doc. She suited up and really got down to biznass. I told her my apprehensions and how my friends told me this would be no picnic. She was like aww nah you'll be good doo be doo BAM!!!!

That "woman" convinced me of two things today. 1. I never want to see another speculum in my life. and 2. She clearly doesn't not have a vagina of her own. For if she did she'd have taken more care when she rammed that thing into me like it was her JOB.

I let out a huge YOWZA! And she's like oh hold on CLICK CLICK REEEE CLICCCCCCCCCKKKK. Opened that thing up like she was going spelunking in my netherbits!

I'm doing my best to put on a brave face, and I guess I was saying some funny stuff because mild-mannered Carlos is just over by my shoulder giggling.

I just kept being like Yeah I'm trying to relax but DAMN WOMAN! So she turns to get the catheter and when she comes back Dr. RamRod is like "Oh shiz, I lost your cervix."

Umm. WTF.

Luckily she'd only misplaced it and it was just moved to the left a bit. Don't ask me the science behind that. Dr. B at the fertility clinic had no trouble finding my cervix, but that's probably because she's actually handled a vagina or two in her day and knows how to treat a lady with a speculum. I'm basically convinced my cervix ran for its life.

So Dr. RamRod was just like "Well shit let's ram this in there again and start over."

BAAMMM! She punched that sucker in again and CLICK CLIIICCCCKKKK RAAAATCCCHHHEEETT opened me up like the caverns. At this point I was really bracing myself for the dye part. I heard that's the worst. And it was clear that RamRod was NOT interested in being gentle.

But somehow the catheter and dye was the easy part. She got it in there and Carlos scooted me up on the table to take the x-rays. RamRod told me to put my legs down or whatever made me comfortable.

Oh yes. I was at the epitome of comfort. This was a regular day at the spa.

I watched as my lady bits came on the screen and she commended the lovely job my contractor did on my innards. Once again the words beautiful and perfect were used so I got pretty cocky about my junk.

Carlos asked how long I'd been trying to have babies, and I just smiled. This was the first time I'd really got to say it.

"I'm actually going to be a surrogate."

He smiled so big and said in his very calm Carlos voice, "Wow that's really cool. Good luck with everything."

RamRod pulled out and dusted herself off. Told me everything looked fab and we'd have the official results by Monday.

Carlos helped me off the table and I got my clothes back on. After it was all said and done I didn't even have cramping? The mock transfer actually gave me more cramps than my HSG, so I think I got off pretty lucky.

I'm dying to friend my IPs on Facebook to tell them everything went well, but I saw a note on my chart that said they'd be calling the IM to let her know. So I'll hold off.

I think now we just wait on contracts and our psych evaluations Monday, which is great because my lady parts would love some time off.

It's all becoming real!!! I think we'll start talking about transfer dates soon, and I. CAN'T. WAIT!!!!

Stay tuned for the next chapter of this very exciting journey.