Friday, September 12, 2014

Hugs and Drugs

Never in my life have I been this excited to get a box of drugs and needles!! 

So the whole idea of growing someone else's family has always been exciting but until just a few months ago I didn't really think about how I'd get the baby in there. 

I knew I wasn't going the old fashioned route. I mean Baby Daddy seems like a nice guy, but uhhh nah I'm good. I think hubs might charge extra...I mean it's out of the question. (Some of you will get my reference)

Anyway, before all this, I just glazed over the bit about the science behind growing a baby via IVF. Lucky for me I have pals who went through it to conceive their "keepers." Still this first part of the process is the most nerve-wracking for me. Mostly I think because this is a totally new aspect of pregnancy than I'm used to. 

Yesterday was Christmas. Well ok it was more like junkie Hanukkah. A bunch of gifts arrived that will be distributed over a period of time. Through syringes...gulp

Luckily my Baby Mama has been through three egg retrievals, so she assured me that it's nothing a pint of Bluebell and a glass of wine can't handle. She's done the hormone dance already, so I'll probably be texting her in desperation when I'm jabbing my thighs and guts full of these delightful hormones. 

The way it works is we have to trick my body into thinking I'm 5 days pregs. Since Emby is 5 days old, we have to bend the uterine space time continuum a bit. It's science. 

You'd think it'd be easy to trick my body, since my rounded gut already prompts my 5-year-old to ask if I'm with child quite frequently. But I guess just looking fat doesn't automatically trick your uterus. She's a smart cookie. 

So I'll be taking a cocktail of things to send my ovaries on vacation while getting my uterus all nice and cushy. Those little embryos are finicky. They like to have a nice soft bed with feather down pillows and 5-star hotel quality sheets. Ain't no motel 6 junk up in here. Gotta be the Lady Bitz Carlton. 

The lovely part is that Hubs might be traveling a bit during the time in which I'll be jabbing myself full of hormones, which sounds turrible until you realize the monster I turn into when my hormones get cray. It's honestly probably best if he's just gone the whole month. In the interest of our love. 

But Baby Mama is going to have a few single lady moments as well so were tentatively planning to have some girl time. I'm thinking she comes over and we watch Baby Mama together, drink wine and do drugs. Well...she can have the wine, and I'll take the legit baby making drugs. (Btw don't freak. Some of the stuff I'm taking is just antibiotics and prenatal vitamins.) 

That will all start with the appearance of my next cycle! Should I say the word period? Are we adults? Ok nah I like cycle. It sounds less adolescent. 

So anyway we are amped up! Transfer date looks to be great. I just have a few labs to get next week and some minor junk like that. As it gets closer to transfer we will start doing some ultrasounds to check my uterine lining to see if it's luxurious enough for the little Emby. 

Also fun news is that we are scheduled for our pre-birth order hearing. Basically we go to a judge and he is all "hey are you keeping this baby?" And I'm all "hell to the no." And Baby Mama and Daddy are like "yeah we good." And the judge is all "k. Well then as soon as daylight smacks its ass Baby Mama should be there for the assist to catch it and love up on it while surro superstar kicks back with a margarita and smiles knowingly at the sleepless nights that are not hers to worry about. Cool?" And we're all like "hell yeah."

That means they get the hospital bands. They go on the birth certificate. They snuggle up on the little boo and name it and change its diaper and pay for its college. 

And I couldn't be happier for them. I joke a lot about being terrified of newborns, and while it is half true I also know what a wonderful time it is. It's so short, and before you know it they're in kindergarten starting food fights with the entire 5th grade. 

It's all getting VERY real!! So go ahead and send that baby dust our way! We will be on our way to pregger town soon!