Saturday, January 17, 2015

Hostage Situation

Damnit Uterus! Well the party started rockin' on New Year's Eve, but my friggin' uterus just thought we were doing a regular ol' cycle. I never had intense cramping. I started spotting, got a heavier flow (enjoy that word?), then spotted off into nothing. Derp Derp just regular ol' aunt flo!

My agency coordinator did a little prodding with the transfer clinic to get an ultrasound to see What The Actual Eff. So they sent orders and I went in on a Friday for my ultrasound. I had plans to visit Baby Mama the next day, so I was hoping all was well and we could have some closure on the subject.

But as the doc waved the magical weenie wand all up in there we saw the sac clear as day. There it was in all its glory just chillin' in the lounge that is my uterus. She asked before she started if I'd had any bleeding at all and I told her yeah, but either I got away with the easiest miscarriage ever (if there is such a thing) or I didn't actually pass anything significant. And as we soon found out I hadn't passed a daggum thing. My uterus is about as good at cleaning house as I am.

She measured the sac and it was looking like 6weeks4days. I was supposed to be around 10 weeks. I don't know why that gave me some closure but it did. With my own miscarriage I always had a nagging feeling that maybe just maybe maaaaaaaayyyyyybbbbeeee there was a chance that the ultrasounds were wrong. But with this one I feel very confident that they were sadly right.

As I sat up, Doc said she'd send the results, but the next steps were probably going to be a D&C or cytotec. I cringed because both sound like hell. Cytotec has some TERRIBLE horror stories, and knowing my hoarder uterus I'd probably end up with a D&C anyway. So I knew what my only other option was going to have to be. Damnit. Damnit.

The transfer clinic came back with a big fat Sorry Charlie on anything but a D&C. They said to schedule the procedure for the next week or so, and farewell. The ball is now in my court. They're officially done-zo with my uterus and its contents. Good riddance. Not sure if it was hormones, but they'd rubbed me the wrong way about the loss. They seemed so cold and...well clinical. And I think there's more to reproductive technology than numbers and ultrasounds and facts and figures. There are real people with real emotions and feelings. I wanted a less clinical approach from the clinic.

Whatevs. Moving on!

I scheduled my D&C for Tuesday with the Doc who has been monitoring me on this journey. I'm in lady love with her, and she seems to have the most vested interest in my uterus since she'll most likely be the one transferring the next baby in there.

Truthfully I'm nervous about the D&C. My first experience with one wasn't a happy one, although I'm sure no D&C is super chipper. But because my twin sacs were so big and there were two of them it was a lot more than my doc was prepared for and I almost bled out in the OR. Pair that with my intolerance for anesthesia and it was a really rough go. I remember them trying to bring me out of the anesthesia and thinking "I can't. I can't wake up." I was throwing up like crazy as they waved smelling salts under my nose and I fell in and out of consciousness. It was pretty scary.

I'm sure this round will go better though. There's only one sac for starters, and this one is only a 6 week sac rather than two 13 week sacs. I remembered being in bed for a few days after mine, but for the life of me I couldn't remember if it was because I lost too much blood or I was in pain or if I was just emotionally wrecked. I think it was mostly emotions.

This time I'm ok. Maybe I just have perspective. When I miscarried my babies I never knew if I would ever be a mother. I felt the blow of a loss with no real evidence that I'd ever feel the happiness of holding a baby. I never knew if that pain would stop.

But this miscarriage has been very different from my own. With my own I felt like I was drowning in sadness and loss. I wanted answers that would never come, and I didn't know to hope. With this one I feel more frustration. Of course I'm sad for Baby Mama and Baby Daddy. But I'm also so damn frustrated. We saw that freakin' heartbeat. Everything should have been okay. It's just not fair. I'm angry that everything wasn't okay, because those two people deserve for it to be okay. They didn't deserve this.

Each night as I'm putting her to bed, Sunshine likes to bring up obscure topics. Things weighing on her mind. Last night, with a very serious face, asked if her 5-year-old best friend would carry a baby for her if her "lady parts didn't work." I told her I'd ask, but that she doesn't have to think about that for a long time. I think she looks up to Baby Mama and wants to be like her because she rescues animals. It also touches my heart to see that she sees the importance of what we are doing. She realizes it could just as easily be any of us that needs help completing our families.

Well I hadn't had so much as a cramp since I stopped spotting over a week ago. Then today I noticed the tiniest spot. I'm giving my uterus two more days to get her shit together and do some spring cleaning. This is it uterus. We can do it my way or we can do it the hard way. I hope she does it my way.

I promise I'll give you another chance! Just let this hostage go.